What is the “normal”living situation for a person at their stage of life? Normal for one person is quite different than another person and largely depends in which stage of life they are. Life events often create a “normal” for each person. The major life milestones are leaving home, leaving college, relationships, career, children, children leaving home, retirement and changes in health or abilities.
Normal changesover time. In the early adult years, we tendnot to expect too much from those who took care of us in our early life. We are building careers, relationships and allthat rounds out life. Our expectations reflectour starting point. We learn to getalong with family, partners, roommates, friends, neighbors, bosses, co-workersand others. As we age, we establish routinesand relationships with people that is based on mutual support. Our normal evolves over time as we face both subtleand considerable life changes.
In our earlyyears we settle into a “normal” but are in a position of making a changeswiftly and easily if the “new normal” does not work. An example is returning to work after a firstchild. Daycare or in-home care isrequired. A parent may find that theenvironment or caregiver is not the one they expected or wanted. They then find another person or situationthat works for them as there are many options.
In our lateryears, the “normal” can change greatly. Peopleoften have to rely on others to maintain their routine and hopefully independence. They rely on family, friends, neighbors, caregiversand others. It often starts well. The family member, friend or neighbor givesof their time, sometime getting compensated, sometimes not. The relationship builds and, day by day, itevolves into a “new normal.” A paid caregivergenerally has a better understanding of expectations as he/she has been therebefore. That relationship, too, buildsday-by-day to a “new normal.” But itdoesn’t always end well. Sometimes therelationship evolves to where the senior wants or feels the need to give theperson gifts or additional compensation such as money for gas, groceries,unexpected expense. In addition to “real”bonuses, I’ve had clients who were giving grocery and gas money up to $150 perweek, children for whom they leased a high-end vehicle, children who flew firstclass to visit their parents and expected the parents to pay, children who hadparents co-sign for loans and credit cards then had other use them andmore.
In manycases a time arrives when the “new normal” has evolved to where it no longerworks in the seniors best interest and must be recalibrated. This can be difficult at best and threateningat worst. Some of the situations can behandled fairly easily. Eighty and ninetyyear old’s generally do not need to worry about their credit rating. So, in the cases – yes more than one – where aparent had leased a vehicle for a child, we had the vehicles repossessed. In the case of one of the children having hisparents pay for first class airline tickets when he visited, a familydiscussion was held and he agreed to pay for the upgrade. In the case of a clergy accepting largeamounts of cash, the institution was notified. Unfortunately, where the father, who was already in financialdifficulty, had co-signed a credit card for his daughter who let her partnerrun up $75,000 in debt, the best alternative was bankruptcy. In the case of caregiversbeing given more and more extra cash a new system was implemented using a debitcard that was managed from a dashboard. Butin many cases children, caregivers and others make continued direct or veiledthreats that they will not visit or will leave the home if the current “normal”isn’t continued. They often say, “it’sno problem, you can afford it” or “I do so much for you” or “you promised” or “Ineed it” or some other variation.
Whether it is family, friends, neighbors, caregivers or others involved these are often cases of undue influence and the “new normal” must be recalibrated to a realistic “normal” for the sake of the senior. Unfortunately, some seniors are in a position where they feel have no alternative and they must comply or the person will stop visiting or leave them. We need to be vigilant when visiting seniors or in conversations when family can’t be present to make sure the “normal” is in their best interest. If signs that the “new normal” is not in their best interest action should be taken. We at The Seniors Answer can assist in identifying options and facilitate needed conversations.
