Facing Difficult Family Conversations This Holiday Season – What to do?

Especially this year, December brings relief, togetherness, happiness and cheer. But along with these holiday emotions can also come the feeling of dread when there is a difficult conversation looming with your family. We don’t usually think of having heavy conversations during these special holidays, but we are back together, and the sense of relief and calm may provide the right opening.

1. Before starting the conversation, write down what you want to talk about and the key takeaways you want your family to have/decide. For example, your mother might be a fall risk and lives far away from the rest of the family. Your main topic might be your fear of your mother falling without anyone nearby to help her, so your key takeaways would be to decide either to have your mother move closer to family or move into an ALF.
2. Do not surprise your family, let them know beforehand what you want to discuss and when. This will help them, and you mentally prepare for the upcoming conversation.
3. Before starting the conversation, make sure to set some ground rules. For example, if you know your family has a habit of talking over one another, make a rule that will help avoid this situation – such as only one person can speak at a time, etc.
4. Once the conversation has started, family members may have strong opinions about the topic. A solution is to have each family member write down their opinions on paper and place them at the center of the table. Writing down thoughts is a good way to organize them and placing them at the center of the table tells your family member that their thoughts have been acknowledged as an important part of this conversation.
5. Remember that it’s ok if a resolution is not reached by the end of the conversation. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the topic brought forward may need more time as well. Your family sitting together to have this conversation is an accomplishment itself and shows that they care enough to sit together and listen all family member’s opinions.
6. A different solution than the one you have may be better. It’s important to think about what you want the outcome of this conversation to be. For example, your sister might recommend hiring a live-in nurse so that your mom will be able to stay in her lifelong home. It might not be a solution you thought of originally, but the main takeaway is your mother’s safety.