The pandemic is nearly over and driving has begun. During an appointment a few months ago, one of my 90+ clients told me she had stopped driving. Before the pandemic, I had my standard conversation with her that it is one thing if she hit the mailbox on the way out of the driveway, but it is entirely something else if she hit a three-year-old – something for which she’d never forgive herself (not would her family for not taking action). But she kept saying she only went to the supermarket, post office, and bank – which are all less than one mile from home. So, I asked her what changed to which she responded she “bumped” an Amazon truck. She waited for the driver so she could tell him and called her son who went immediately. The police were called and she was cited. I asked her when her car would be repaired and she told me the insurance company declared it a total loss. I thought that was quite a bump, but said I was glad no one was hurt.
In 2018 there were 45 million licensed drivers in the U.S. 65 and over – a 50% increase over 1999. That year 7,700 seniors were killed and nearly 300,000 went to emergency rooms! According to research, adult children would rather talk to their parents about sex or funeral arrangements than driving.
Adult children need to have the dreaded conversation with their parents about driving, when to stop, and how they will live their life in a post-driving world. Families with older drivers should keep an eye out for signs that could indicate its time for “the talk.” Signs are scrapes on the side of the car, broken exterior lights, someone calling and saying the senior was driving in the wrong lane, etc. The conversation needs to take place before the “sign” they are looking for arrives and it is not the mailbox or the Amazon truck that is hit.
Studies found that 75 – 95% of adult children think this is the most uncomfortable conversation they will have with their parents. And a frightening 25% of adult children say they won’t have the conversation at all no matter what. Only 38% of boomers think their parents will understand and be open to a conversation about driving. They believe their parents will be angry or hurt (46%), say it’s too hard to find other transportation (31%), and will be more determined to keep driving (22%).
Children’s top concerns regarding their parents’ driving are poor eyesight, driving too slow, driving too fast, slow reaction time, poor hearing, and driving distracted. Health issues can severely impact senior driving. The most serious are arthritis, diabetes, and blood sugar levels. Arthritis (80% of people in their 70s) weakens muscles, reduces flexibility, and limits the range of motion so as to restrict senior drivers’ ability to grip and turn the steering wheel, press the accelerator or brake, or reach to open doors (AAA). Diabetes may affect how drivers interpret and react to the driving environment (AAA). Blood sugar levels can cause dizziness, sleepiness, confusion, blurred vision, loss of consciousness, seizures, nerve damage in hands, legs, feet, etc. (American Diabetes Assn)
So, what can adult children do?
Look for Signs
•Scrapes on the car’s bumpers or doors, garage door, or mailbox
•Any moving violations or warnings
Before Your Conversation
•Ride with them and observe. How aware they are of the situations around them. Do they seem confused or unsure? How slow are their reaction times? Are they running a stop sign or other drivers honking more than usual? Observe how they park and leave the parking space
•Look into local options and be prepared to discuss
•Alternative transportation such as local shuttles, family, friends, neighbors, caregivers, services like Uber/Lyft.
•Coordinate rides with others who are going to the same event such as religious services/events, community events, book clubs, bingo, bridge, poker, etc.
•Delivery for groceries, laundry, and other items
Your Conversation
•Choose a stress-free time and setting – not during a holiday meal!
•Choose the right person to initiate the conversation – the best person may be outside the family such as a family friend, neighbor, advisor, or doctor
•If the person having the talk is outside of the family, provide them the information you have collected and discuss with them ideas and approach
•Respect is key – approach the parent with the utmost respect and dignity – they are your loved ones; the tone of voice is imperative
•Consider beginning the conversation with a question about how they feel when driving
•Listen to what they say and truly hear their concerns
• Frame the conversation in a positive light
•Highlight your concern for their safety and the safety of others – especially children – which will resonate with them
•Don’t get drawn into an argument, be kind and patient
•If needed, suggest an evaluation from a driver’s rehabilitation specialist or professional driving instructor
•When the conversation moves in the direction of alternatives, use the research you have already done
•And, have realistic and reasonable expectations; they’ve been driving for more years than you’ve been alive –this may be only the first of a series of conversations
This IS one of the most important conversations adult children will have with their loved ones. Let me know how your conversations go. And if you need help starting the conversation call us – we are here for you.
We at Personal Affairs Management Group specialize in helping all aspects of the day-to-day of busy professionals, families, and seniors. We have a team devised to tackle and manage concerns that many may have. If you have questions or need information about you or your loved one’s life management issues, please reach out to us. We are here to make your life simple, secure, and stress-free. Call us at 305-646-1833 or email at Corrine@mypersonalaffairsmanagement.com.